There was a time in my life I feared. I feared insects, the dark, scary movies, natural bodies of water and the things in them, heights, thunderstorms, failure, being laughed at, living, and dying. The list could go on forever if I gave it enough thought. My biggest fear was death. I hated talking about it, thinking about it. At night, I would have what I can safely describe as panic attacks. I would begin to think about my life and it would ultimately lead to the thought of my death. I would think about the end of my life...the literal end...my last breath. It would send me into a whirlwind of emotions. The uncertainty of what would happen sent me over the edge. I could feel my heart beat faster, almost pounding out of my chest. My chest would tighten and my breathing would become shallow. And that's when it happened...the tears...the never ending tears. I would sob so hard I couldn't catch my breath. It wasn't the actual dying but the not knowing where I would go...what would happen to me.
I struggled with this enormous fear for many, many years. I can look back and see from where the fear came. I lost my baby brother when I was only three years old. Many other family deaths occurred when I was a child and in my teens. My parents raised me in the church, so I knew of Heaven and Hell, God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I knew about the Ten Commandments and the expectations God has for us all. I also knew how I was choosing to life my life as an adult. So, my fears were valid. What I didn't know was there were pieces of the puzzle missing and that's where my Grandma Bish came in...
In 2004, on Valentine's Day, my grandma lay dying in bed at a nursing home in Pennsylvania. She was at the end of a long and beautiful life...just the moment I had always feared. It was then God chose to reveal Himself to me in a personal way. In her last moments, the only words my grandma spoke were, "Jesus, take me. Take me as I am." She repeated them over and over and over again. Her body was riddled with cancer and she was in extreme pain. Her eyes were shut tightly but her lips never stopped uttering those words. All I could do was tell her how much I loved her. I grabbed her hand and leaned in close so she would hopefully her my words. I needed her to hear me. I needed to know how much she meant to me before it was too late and that she didn't have to stay to make us feel better. I needed her to know that I was okay...even if it wasn't true...because I couldn't bear seeing her like that. Just then, her eyes popped open and seemed to peer into my soul. She saw me...she knew I was there. More importantly, I saw a peace and a comfort in her eyes I had never seen before. She soon shut her eyes and continued her mantra. I shot up out of my chair and left the room with tears in my eyes. The pain was overwhelming. I didn't know where I was going but I knew I couldn't stay in that room. I had to gather myself together...I had to be strong for her.
I mindlessly walked down the hall with wonderful memories of my grandma flashing through my head. Before I knew it, I found myself in the tiny chapel at the front of the building. The tears wouldn't stop and neither would the slide show of memories. All I could do was fall to my knees. The only thing I found myself praying for was that God would take her home with Him. I prayed He would make her pain end, even if it meant she had to leave us. As I stayed there on my knees making my plea, I suddenly knew He heard me. I opened my eyes and turned my head to see my dad enter that tiny room, his head hung low. She was gone. No more kisses, no more inside jokes, no more Yahtzee games, no more grandma hugs...and no more fear.
God gave me the greatest gift that sorrowful day. Through my grandma, He showed me what it meant to have a close, personal relationship with Jesus. I knew I could have the peace and comfort my grandma had. I needed to know that I had a Daddy in Heaven that loves me so much that He sacrificed His Son for me. He made me...He knows every hair on my head...He knows my heart...He loves me as I am. It was the knowledge that I can have an intimate relationship with the Creator of all things that dissipated my fears. For that, I am eternally grateful.
The gaze between my grandma and I lasted a moment but it's effects will last for eternity...because I will see her again in Heaven...of that, I am certain.
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